Christmas Dragnet (Yulenet), Pts. 1 & 2 Lyrics – Stan Freberg

Christmas Dragnet (Yulenet), Pts. 1 & 2 Text

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Joe:
This is the season.
My name is Wednesday, my partner is Frank Jones, the chief is Captain Kellogg.
December the 24th, Christmas Eve, they brought in a guy named Grudge.
When I heard what they booked him on, my blood ran cold.
It was a 4096325-dash-096704: not believing in Santa Claus.

4:35 P.M. I was working the holiday watch out of Homicide with Frank.

Frank:
Hang up your stocking yet, Joe?

Joe:
Yeah, just before I come down. You, too, Frank?

Frank:
Always do. Hung it up early just in case I have to work late tonight. Wouldn't wanna miss out on when Santy Claus comes, you know.

Joe:
Mm-hmm. Sure wouldn't. Would be a shame.

Frank:
Whatcha gonna do tomorrow, Joe? Whatcha gonna do on Christmas? Ya got any plans?

Joe:
Nothing much.

Frank:
Why don't you come by the house, Joe? We're gonna have Christmas dinner. You know, all the trimmings.

Joe:
Mm-hmm.

Frank:
Turkey, celery, stuffing, oysters maybe, chestnuts.

Joe:
Mm-hmm.

Frank:
All the trimmings. Cranberry sauce. Love to have ya.

Joe:
Mm-hmm.

Frank:
The Mrs. always fixes a plate of relish with them little carrot sticks.
You know, olives, pickles, scallions.
Most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions.
Do you ever notice that, Joe?

Joe:
Ever notice what, Frank?

Frank:
How most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions.

Joe:
Mm-hmm. Scallions.

Frank:
Anytime after two, Joe. Love to have ya.

Joe:
Mm-hmm. Well, I'll see.

Frank:
Love to have ya.

Joe:
Mm-hmm. Well, I'll see.

Frank:
The Mrs. always fixes a plate of relish with them carrot sticks,
You know them little carrot sticks?

Joe:
Mm-hmm.

Frank:
Olives, pickles, scallions.

Joe:
Mm-hmm. Let's not go through that again.

Frank:
Love to have ya. Go through what again, Joe?

Joe:
How most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions.

Frank:
Oh. You noticed that, too, huh, Joe?

(telephone rings)

Joe:
Homicide, Wednesday.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

(hangs up)

Frank:
'S the matter, Joe? 'S the matter, Joe?

Joe:
Bringing a guy in on a 409635-dash-096704.

Frank:
You-you mean...

Joe:
Yeah. Guy don't believe in scallions. I mean Santa Claus.

6:29 P.M. We questioned the guy who didn't believe in Santa Claus: a guy named Grudge.

Says here your name's Grudge, that right?

Grudge:
Yeah.

Joe:
Said you didn't believe in Santa Claus?

Frank:
It's hard to believe what you said. Did you really say that?

Grudge:
Sure I said it. How do you know there's a Santy Claus?
Ya got a picture of him?

Joe:
No, no mug shot.

Grudge:
Any fingerprints?

Joe:
Mnh-mnh, no latent prints. I just know, that's all.
I't's like saying there isn't an Easter Bunny.

Grudge:
That's another guy there ain't no of!

Joe:
Mm-hmm. Well, that's your story, mister.

Frank:
Joe, he just said that to make me feel bad, didn't he?
There really is an Easter Bunny, isn't there? Joe?

Joe:
Listen, Grudge, didn't I pick you up three years ago on a 1492 for not believing in Columbus?

Grudge:
Yeah! I don't believe in Cleveland or Cincinnati, either.

Joe:
How about Toledo?

Grudge:
I, uh, I ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo.

Joe:
Okay, mister, I get the picture now.
You don't believe in nothin', do ya?

Grudge:
Nothin'! And you wanna know somethin' else?

Joe:
What's that?

Grudge:
I'm gonna get up, and I'm gonna walk right out of this room, 'cause you guys ain't got nothin' on me.
There ain't no law against not believin' in Santy Claus.

Joe:
There is in my book.
Let me tell you somethin', mister, I'm gonna prove there's a Santa Claus if it takes me all night.

Grudge:
Huh! Pretty funny. The police department's got nothin' else to do.

Joe:
Let me straighten you out, buddy. This one's on Frank and me.
Right, Frank? Right, Frank?

Frank:
There really is an Easter Bunny, isn't there, Joe?
You know, hippety-hoppin' down the bunny trail?

Joe:
I took Grudge over to the helicopter. Got in, flew around the city for hours.
I showed him department stores.

What's hurrying in and out of those department stores, Grudge?

Grudge:
Happy people, but I ain't impressed.

Joe:
I showed him stockings.

How are those stockings hung, Grudge?

Grudge:
By the chimney with care. But I didn't hang none up.

Joe:
I showed him children nestled all snug in their beds.

What's dancing in their heads, Grudge?

Grudge:
Visions of sugarplums.
But you ain't sellin' me. There ain't no Santy Claus.

Joe:
He still didn't believe. There was only one thing left to do.
My job? Get to the North Pole.

11:45 P.M. We arrived at the North Pole.
I set the plane down, we walked over to Santy's workshop, rang the bell.

(bell plays "Dragnet" theme)

Joe:
Pardon me, sir, can I ask you a few questions?

Brownie:
Why, sure. Just tickle me to death.

Joe:
What do you do for a living?

Brownie:
I'm a brownie.

Joe:
What are you doing at the North Pole with a Southern accent?

Brownie:
Well, the boss sorta ran short on help this year, so he had to recruit a few of us brownies from the South Pole.

Joe:
Mm-hmm. That figures.

Grudge:
Heh-heh! What a waste of time!

Joe:
Could we talk to your boss, please?

Brownie:
Oh, he's out. You would come on the one night he's out in the whole year.

Joe:
Mm-hmm. What's your particular job, Mr. Brownie?

Brownie:
My boss has eight tiny reindeer. My job? Feed 'em.

Joe:
Mm-hmm, yes, sir. What do ya feed 'em?

Brownie:
Well, most times I fix up a little plate of relish.
Olives, pickles and them carrot sticks.
You know them little ol' carrot sticks?

Joe:
Mm-hmm.

Brownie:
And scallions.

Joe and Brownie:
Most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions.

Brownie:
How'd you know?

Joe:
Just a stab in the dark.

The little man showed us through the workshop.

Brownie:
My boss'll be back for a second load pretty soon.
Say, would you all like to hear an interestin' story?

Joe:
Yes, sir.

Brownie:
Well, you see that huge pile of presents over there?

Joe:
Mm-hmm.

Grudge:
Man, look at all that stuff!

Brownie:
Would you believe it? They're all for the same man.
Been pilin' up here year after year.

Joe:
Why didn't the guy ever get 'em?

Grudge:
Yeah! Why?

Brownie:
'Cause he didn't believe in my boss. You know the rules.

Joe:
Mm-hmm. We know.

Grudge:
I, uh, don't suppose there's no chance that this, this guy can still --

Brownie:
Get the presents? Oh, sure. He gets 'em all the minute he believes.
But I don't suppose he ever will.

Joe:
Too bad about that guy. What's his name?

Grudge:
Don't say it. I don't want to hear it.

Joe:
Come on, Mr. Brownie. What's his name?

Brownie:
His name? Grudge.

Joe:
The Brownie saw us to the door, wished us a merry Christmas.
We were heading back to the plane when it happened.

Grudge:
Hey!

Joe:
Yeah, Grudge?

Grudge:
You know that guy I said I didn't believe in?

Joe:
Who's that?

Grudge:
S-S-Santy Claus?

Joe:
Yes, sir?

Grudge:
You think I'm too old to change my mind?

Joe:
You're never too old, Mr. Grudge.

Grudge:
Well then, I-I-I believe in Santy Claus. And Columbus.

Joe:
How about Cleveland, Cincinnati, and the Easter Bunny?

Grudge:
Yeah, them, too.

Joe:
And Toledo?

Grudge:
I-I still ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo!

(sleigh bells)

Joe:
Look, Grudge, up in the sky. He's coming back for the second load.

Grudge:
It's Santy Claus! It's Santy Claus!

Joe:
There's the only guy I know can make everybody happy in one night.

Grudge:
Yeah. He must have the biggest heart in the whole world.

Joe:
That's about the size of it.