AS THE CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE Lyrics

AS THE CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE Text

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FULTON:
As the chairman of the committee
I announce we've made our choice;
Ev'ry lover from Dubuque to Jersey City
Should rejoice!

COMMITTEE:
We rejoice!

JUDGES AND COMMITTEE:
When the angels up there designed her,
They designed a thoroughbred;
And on March the fourth the President will find her
Worthy of his board and bed.

FULTON:
And now it thrills me to introduce the rarest of American beauties,
the future first lady of the land -- a fit consort for the ruler of "122 million freeborn" - ladies and gentlemen -- Miss Diana Devereaux!

HOW BEAUTIFUL
[DIANA APPEARS WITH FOUR OTHER PRIZE WINNERS
HOLDING TRAIN ATTACHED TO HER BATHING SUIT]

ALL:
[SING]
How beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!
How utterly, utterly so!
The charming, the gracious, the dutiful
Diana Devereaux!

FULTON:
[SPOKEN]
The committee will now tell why she was chosen -- with music!

NEVER WAS THERE A GIRL SO FAIR

COMMITTEE:
Never was there a girl so fair!
Never was there a form so rare!

DIANA:
[SPOKEN]
Ah could throw mah arms right around your neck!

COMMITTEE:
A voice so lyrical
Is given few;
Her eyes a miracle
Of Prussian blue;
Ruby lips and a foot so small;
As for hips -- she has none at all!

GILHOOLEY:
Did you ever see such footsies,
Or a more enticing limb?

LIPPMAN:
And the ankles or her tootsies
Are so slim!

LYONS AND JUDGES:
What a charming epiglottis!
What a lovely coat of tan!
Oh, the man who is not hot is
Not a man!

COMMITTEE:
She's a bargain to whom she's wed'
More than worthy his board and bed!

FULTON:
Says the chairman of the committee,
Let the newsmen now come in.
[TO DIANA]
For the sound reels you must look your best, my pretty!
[TO GUARDS]
Have the interviews begin!

GILHOOLEY AND LYONS:
We shall go and bring them in!

WINTERGREEN:
[RUSHING CENTER]
Stop! No!
Though this may be a blow,
I simply cannot marry
Diana Devereaux!

COMMITTEE:
What's this? What's this?
He says he cannot marry
Diana Devereaux?

COMMITTEE AND JUDGES:
[TO WINTERGREEN]
You mean you will not many
Diana Devereaux!

WINTERGREEN:
Please understand!
It isn't that I would jilt or spurn 'er!
It's just that I love someone else!

ALL:
Who?

WINTERGREEN:
Whom!
[TURNS TO MARY]
Mary Turner!

COMMITTEE:
The man is mad!
Or else a cad!
He'll have to take her --
He can't forsake her

DIANA:
This jilting me,
It cannot be!
This lousy action
Calls for retraction!

COMMITTEE AND JUDGES:
We must know why
You should prefer
Instead of Di
[POINTING TO DIANA]
A girl like her.
[POINTING TO MARY]

GIRLS:
Yes, tell us why
You should prefer
Instead of Di
A girl like her!

WINTERGREEN:
All that I can say of Mary Turner
Is that I love Mary Turner.

COMMITTEE AND JUDGES:
What's to be done?
Though she has won,
[INDICATING DIANA]
Though she has signed up
He's made his mind up!
His love he'd ruther
Give to the other!
[INDICATING DIANA]
What shall we do now?
What is our cue now?

DIANA:
[TO COMMITTEE]
He will do nothing of the sort.
First we'll settle this thing in court.
[TO WINTERGREEN]
You seem to think Miss Turner hits the spot;
But what has she got that I haven't got?

ALL:
Yes, what has "she" got
[POINTING TO MARY]
that she hasn't got?
[POINTING TO DIANA]

WINTERGREEN:
My Mary makes corn muffins -
[TO DIANA]
Can you make corn muffins?

DIANA:
I cain't make corn muffins

ALL:
[SORROWFULLY]
She can't make corn muffins!

SOME GIRLS CAN BAKE A PIE

WINTERGREEN:
Well, there you are!

Some girls can bake a pie
Made up of prunes and quinces;
Some make an oyster fry -
Others are good at blintzes.
Some lovely girls have done
Wonders with turkey stuffin's,
But I have found the one
Who can really make corn muffins!

DIANA:
Who cares about corn muffins?
All I demand is justice!

[WINTERGREEN REPEATS "SOME GIRLS CAN..." MARY JOINS IN,
AS COMMITTEE AND ENSEMBLE, SOLD ON THE IDEA, SING OBBLIGATO]

COMMITTEE AND ENSEMBLE:
Corn muffins -
Though other girls are good at turkey stuffin's
She takes the cake -
For she can bake
Corn muffins;
Corn muffins -
He's not to blame for falling if she's able
To serve them at his table.
[COMMITTEE STARTS TO SAMPLE MUFFINS]
They should be happy night and day;
They'll make a couple so delightful;
When two agree on corn muffins,
Their marriage is only rightful!

DIANA AND GIRLS:
[SIMULTANEOUSLY, TO THE COMMITTEE]
Don't surrender!
Don't be tender!
I'm (she's) the winner!
She is a little sinner!
Come! Make your mind up.
I, (she) not she
Is the one who's really signed up!

COMMITTEE:
[HOLDING UP MUFFINS]
Great! Great!
It really must be fate!

COMMITTEE AND JUDGES:
We must declare these muffins
The best we ever ate!

GIRLS:
[SIMULTANEOUSLY]
There's none but Mary Turner
Could ever be his mate!
[DIANA EXITS]

[HALF THE VOICES KEEP REPEATING]
There's none but Mary Turner
Could ever be his mate!

[THE OTHER HALF SING]
She can make corn muffins!
She can make corn muffins!

ALL:
[Tableau]
Let's all rejoice!