The Speed Test Lyrics

The Speed Test Text

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MR. GRAYDON:
Take a letter. To a Mr. John Hudson, Hudson's Floor Wax. You will find an invoice in the file for the address. "Dear Mr. Hudson," colon:

My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation
When the floor wax that we bought from you
Arrived here Monday morning
We discovered upon usage that the fume
Should have a warning
Since the only possibility is that the wax is rancid
I request a full refund of all the money we advanced
And unless you can convince me
You've improved the floor wax batter
We will take our business elsewhere
So I hope you solve this matter

How's my speed, Miss Dillmount?

MILLIE:
A little slow, perhaps.

MR. GRAYDON:
Ah!
Enclosed you'll find a small container
Of the stuff I talk about
Just carefully remove the lid
And take a whiff if you've a doubt
I'm sure you wouldn't want me
To alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office
Was affected by your vapours
Which is why I choose to write to you
A confidential letter
Full of strong recommendation
That you make your floor wax better
I just hope it won't require us
To have our floor relaid and
If it does you may expect a bill
Sincerely, Trevor Graydon

Now, read that back to me please.

MILLIE:
Certainly. "Dear Mr. Hudson," colon:
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation
When the floor wax that we bought from you
Arrived here Monday morning
We discovered upon usage that the fume
Should have a warning
Since the only possibility is that the wax is rancid
I request a full refund of all the money we advanced

MR. GRAYDON:
Nice!

MILLIE:
And unless you can convince me
You've improved the floor wax batter
We will take our business elsewhere
So I hope you solve this matter

MR. GRAYDON:
Not half bad. Continue please.

MILLIE:
Enclosed you'll find a small container
Of the stuff I talk about
Just carefully remove the lid
And take a whiff if you've a doubt
I'm sure you wouldn't want me
To alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office
Was affected by your vapours
Which is why I choose to write to you
A confidential letter
Full of strong recommendation
That you make your floor wax better
I just hope it won't require us
To have our floor relaid and
If it does you may expect a bill
Sincerely, Trevor Graydon

MR. GRAYDON:
Miss Dillmount, may I speak frankly?

MILLIE:
Yes?

MR. GRAYDON:
If I could be so lucky
As to have a good stenographer
To keep this place as up-to-date
As her short skirt and bobbed coiffure
I wouldn't have to worry 'bout
Our soured office planking
And could concentrate on generating
Profits ripe for banking
That is why I'm testing you
With this outrageous correspondence
Which I don't intend to actually mail
To the respondents
So if you can make sense of my unintelligble patter
Then the job is yours and Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter

MILLIE:
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter?
Matter, matter, matter, matter
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter?
Matter, matter, matter, matter

MR. GRAYDON (at the same time):
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter!
Matter, matter, matter, matter
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter!


OFFICE WORKERS (at the same time):
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter!
Matter, matter, matter, matter

MR. GRAYDON:
Now, I want that letter on my desk in two minutes flat. Man your machine! Go!

(Millie's rapid fire typing/tapping dazzles the office workers. She presents the finished letter to Mr. Graydon.)

Time! "Dear Mr. Hudson,"

MILLIE AND OFFICE WORKERS:
Colon.

MR. GRAYDON:
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation
When the floor wax that we bought from you
Arrived here Monday morning
We discovered upon usage that the fume
Should have a warning
Since the only possibility is that the wax is rancid
I request a full refund of all the money we advanced
And unless you can convince me
You've improved the floor wax batter
We will take our business elsewhere
So I hope you solve this matter

MILLIE AND OFFICE WORKERS:
So I hope you solve this matter
So I hope you solve this matter
So I hope you solve this matter
Matter, matter, matter, matter

MR. GRAYDON:
Going on.

Enclosed you'll find a small container
Of the stuff I talk about
Just carefully remove the lid
And take a whiff if you've a doubt
I'm sure you wouldn't want me
To alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office
Was affected by your vapours
Which is why I choose to write to you
A confidential letter
Full of strong recommendation
That you make your floor wax better
I just hope it won't require us
To have our floor relaid and
If it does you may expect a bill
Sincerely, Trevor Graydon

You have made the team Miss Dillmount!

OFFICE WORKERS:
You have made the team Miss Dillmount!

MILLIE:
Tell me where my desk is
When we eat lunch
How much I'll be paid, and
Nice to meet you, I know we'll be friends
Just call me Millie Graydon

MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS:
Millie Graydon?

MILLIE:
I mean Dillmount!

MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS:
Millie Dillmount?

MILLIE:
Someday Graydon!

MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS:
Graydon? Dillmount? Dillmount?
Graydon? Graydon? Dillmount?

MILLIE:
Graydon!

ALL:
Ahhhhhhh!