Who Will Save New Jersey? Lyrics

Who Will Save New Jersey? Text

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White Dude:
There's a place between heaven and hell

Black Dude:
Don't need a map, just follow the smell

White Dude:
A place filled with filthy air

Black Dude:
A place full of dark despair

Both:
A place you have no prayer

White Dude:
A place called New Jersey

Black Dude:
New Jersey

Both:
Jersey, the Garden State

Black Dude:
Ther's an exit called the thirteen gee

White Dude:
Right off the turnpike where it smells just like pee

Black Dude:
An exit no one dares get off

White Dude:
An exit where the children cough

Both:
An exit called Tromaville
Tromaville
If the pollution doesn't get you, the aroma will

Sister:
Who will save New Jersey?
We're dying for some air
There’s no hope in New Jersey, Lord
Does anybody care?

Three:
Lord, does anybody care?

White Dude:
The story we’re about to tell you is so disturbing,
we’ve stationed a registered nurse outside in the lobby.

Sister:
She is armed with a tranquilizer dart gun for those needing sedation.

Black Dude:
She also has Xanax and Vicatin she got off the internet.

White Dude:
And please, for the love of God, do not turn off your cell phones.

Black Dude:
Mm-mm, nah. You’re probably gonna wanna call your mama.

Three:
There’s no hope in New Jersey
We’re hanging by a thread

White Dude:
We’re choking in New Jersey

Three:
We might as well be dead

Sister:
Lord, we need a favor
We need a savvy savior

Three:
But who
Who
Who
Who

Melvin:
I will save New Jersey
I’m Melvin Ferd the Third

Sister:
Not him, Lord!

Melvin:
I’m here for you, New Jersey
On that you have my word
There must be a solution
To end this damn pollution
It’s time to start a global revolution
Sister, look at what has infested our town!

Sister:
What is that wretchedness?

Melvin:
It’s waste, toxic waste!
The worst problem we ever faced
It’s sick, God, its sick
Look what it did to my measuring stick!

Sister:
But where did it come from?

Melvin:
Look there. Across the Hudson River, what do you see?

Sister:
Manhattan.

Melvin:
The beautiful, conceited people of Manhattan.
Happy to use New Jersey as their toxic dumping ground!

Melvin & Sister:
Now, listen up Manhattan
We know, you’re stinking rich

Sister:
Your bed sheets may be satin
But Jersey’s not your b**ch

Melvin & Sister:
Jersey’s not your b**ch!

Sister:
Bless you, my son.

Melvin:
And don’t worry, Sister. Nothing can stop me! Oh, no. The town bullies!

Sarah:
God, I love New Jersey
It’s such a state of mind
Why do I love Jersey?
Probably cause I’m blind

Melvin:
Hey, Sarah. It’s Melvin.

Sarah:
Melvin, did those bullies beat you up again?

Melvin:
Yeah.

Sarah:
Well, it takes a brave man not to fight back. By the way, have you noticed a new smell in town?

Melvin:
It’s giant vats of toxic, nuclear waste! But don’t worry…
I swear I’ll save New Jersey
But how, I do not know
We need new air in Jersey
And cleaner H2O

All:
In Tromaville
Tromaville
If the pollution doesn’t get you, the aroma will

White Dude:
So, there you have it. There will be no intermission tonight. This show is eight hours long.

All:
Help us win, New Jersey

Sister:
Help!

All:
Save us from this goo

Black Dude:
cr*p, I just got scurvy

All:
Good God, what can we do?
Damn it, we’re New Jersey
We’re drowning in the mud

Sister:
Say your prayer for Jersey

All:
Or else we’re good and f**ked
Good God, we’re good and f**ked
New Jersey
New Jersey
Jersey
The garden state

[Thanks to Henrique Takimoto Jasa for lyrics]